2019 Archive of Select Movie Reviews
In order for me to establish my credibility, please see a select few of my reviews from 2019.
#TheMistletoeSecret- Kellie Pickler owns a diner in a failing ski town being taken over by the big, bad corporate resort in Utah. She then sangs a little bit then meets ghostwriter for a Travel Channel Celebrity. She doesn’t know who to fall in love with— the famous celeb or the person who wrote all these articles she fell in love with? Some conflict because the 2 guys have been lying to her all along, but alas, they save the small town and Kellie forgives both the liar men and then makes out with one of them. The End.
Enjoyment Level- 7/10 I love a country accent because all I have to do is listen real good for a few minutes, and I’m back to my Teen Miss North Carolina 1999 persona.
Vomit Level- 5/10 I am too distracted working on my accent to be offended by the fact they had one token black person with dialogue, random sanging moments to highlight that Kellie can sang cause she sure can’t act.
#PictureAPerfectChristmas- successful photographer from SF with a city boyfriend gives it all up to be with a small town, single parent with a cute nephew (kid’s parent died). He is a successful app developer who did not have to give up his career.
Enjoyment Level- 6/10 simple plot, zero creativity— Hallmark is phoning it in this season.
Vomit Level- 7/10 forgettably hot, white lady is obviously self-aware that she is uprooting her whole life with a guy she’s known for a week (see video), but it’s Christmas so it makes sense.
#NoTimeLikeChristmas- if I’ve ever learned anything— is that if you are a single girl who lives in a big city, all you have to do is visit your hometown during Christmas and save a bankrupt business then marry your highschool sweetheart without knowing anything about his whole adult life -- then your life will be complete.
Enjoyment Level- 6/10 I think Lifetime thinks that all the melanin and interracial relationship would make up for the fact that the writing is just as bad as Penny Proud’s acting.
Vomit Level- 3/10 I think the writers have no clue what being not white is like so when they write for people of color, it seems like these actors got their brain replaced in Get Out.
#AllSheWantsForChristmas- a blonde lady with extremely glossy and pouty lips has to save a company that employs the town from financial ruin and in the meantime falls in love with a seasonal worker who might be secretly rich and own the company...
Enjoyment Level- 1/10 IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED. The first Christmas movie in the history of me watching these that I cannot sit through. The honor goes to this woman—her consistent pouty, glossy lips, her adult-entertainer-like voice and giggle to match her DSL (ask me what this stands for if you don’t know because this is a family review) that almost guarantees that she does not have the brain space to understand the business jargon she spews to gain credibility.
Vomit Level- 10/10 I’ve sat through a lot of things that would make
Gloria Steinem
puke— but my threshold has been reached with a combo of insecurity, DSL and coo-ing voice. What a waste of a Work from home day
#CherishedMemoriesAGiftToRemember2- I’m no amateur so let me give you guys a deep cut— this is a 2nd installment.
In the 1st, Darcy, who talks very breathy, falls in love with a guy who has amnesia, at the same time that she got the manager position at a bookstore that she saved from another buyer.
2nd, Darcy gets engaged to the amnesia guy who is now her boyfriend and also lives in the same apartment building as she does. She also saves a local rec center from shutting down.
Enjoyment Level- 9/10 Look, this was set in Center City Philly, and that’s my weakness. She has cool neighbors, landlord and friends, and her bookstore’s name is Chaucer’s which happens to be my favorite bar in Philly before it closed.
Vomit Level- 7/10 Darcy’s kindness is cloying. So single ladies— The key to bagging a man is softening your voice and being a pushover. Don’t key people’s cars in public. Pour sugar in their gas tanks in secret instead. Don’t cuss people out. Take a picture of their credit cards and post it online anonymously. Trust me cause I’m married now.
#TheFlightBeforeChristmas- Blossom got her heart broken days before Christmas! BTW super important the audience knows her mother is Jewish and her father is Catholic cause Jewish people exist (kudos Lifetime). She meets cute guy flying from LA who has a girlfriend in Boston. They found each other annoying, but if I learned anything, annoying people soon become your soulmate especially if it’s Christmas. Also Harriet and Carl Winslow happen to be the inn owners in the small town they were stranded in where they had to share a room and the guy walks around shirtless and oiled like a buttered turkey —
.Enjoyment Level- 8/10 this is a squirmy movie filled with lack of chemistry, an uneven hotness scale of the characters, pretty bad acting, and I liked it. I feel like Blossom got paid a lot of money for this because this is soul-selling work.
Vomit Level- 5/10 Blossom in real life has a PhD, is a vegan, is a modern Orthodox Jew, and has super strong beliefs— sometimes I hear her input in the script because it has the slight hint of feminism which clashes with her needy character...there isn’t any room for feminism or fidelity in Christmas movies— too unpleasant.
#ChristmasMovieReviewsByKatKat
#MerryLiddleChristmas- Kelly Rowland is the creator of a successful family organizer app which is basically google calendar...She just moved into an absurdly, white and modern home in Silicon Valley with a yard that looks like Atlanta suburbs. She wants to partner with an O magazine type, but first she has to get video taped for digital content with her family celebrating the holidays cause it’s important for the brand to see that Kelly has a family and is not *gasp* a fully content, single lady who likes to be alone. She invites her crazy family to her home for the holidays comprising of— spawns of Satan’s niece and nephews who never got disciplined...and nosy, trying patience adults with questionable hairstyles..chaos ensues. Her new neighbor is hot; but could be seen as a stalker or a romantic? Of course they fall in love. True meaning of Christmas. The End.
Enjoyment Level- 7/10 I like Kelly’s song, and she should’ve just made this new thing called a Music Video. It also helped to have victims...I mean friends to sit with me on the couch and also Rhine Hall Apple Brandy (not sponsored, but my friends and I are open to it). Thanks
David
, Rachel, Romi
and Adrienne and Sean
. Vomit Level- 5/10 I think the paint on the white carpet made David vomit a bit...but the spawns of satan and unchecked adults were worse. If you didn’t know via product placement— this movie is sponsored by Bailey’s Irish Cream.
Someone needs to sponsor my posts...
#NineLivesOfChristmas- vet student gets fired and kicked out of her apt and moved in with a complete stranger she’s met at a grocery store. Because men like women who are helpless and need their help, he falls in love with her and vice versa. Each one owns a cat.
Enjoyment Level- 7/10 I love a story with a villain and ummm I also love the throwback of how desperate Merilee and her Half Asian best friend are. Also this movie is cat-centric so that would please
Christian
. Vomit Level- 6/10 There’s no one more attractive than a man who is scared of commitment. For women, you are more attractive when you need help for basic things like shelter—but props to her for wearing a bodycon dress to a firehouse with smoky eye in broad daylight. It’s been awhile since I’ve done such thing.
#FourChristmasesAndAWedding - it is very rational to miss out on a big career opportunity because you are in love after one, non-sexual night with a stranger drinking hot cocoa and walking.
Synopsis- event planner falls in love with traveling corporate guy and got engaged after spending approx. 4 days with each other over the span of 4 years. Movie ends before divorce.
Enjoyment Level- 8/10 it’s a Lifetime movie so I feel it’s less stupid...refined stupid. The leading lady is the right amount of desperate for a single woman near Christmas.
Vomit Level- 5/10. Her best friend is the sliver of diversity this movie needs being half black which I feel is a warmup to upcoming movies with Black leads. Her desperation is cute because she is attractive.
#ChristmasScavengerHunt- With her career on an upward trajectory in the big city, Belinda chooses to stay in her hometown to be with her highschool sweetheart who was almost unemployed if it weren’t for a miraculous donation from the town hermit.
Enjoyment Level- 5/10 the scavenger hunt really takes care of the storyline as to why two estranged adults would spend the day building a snowman, cutting trees, baking, charity, decking halls, etc. I’m switching to
Lifetime Movie Network
because Hallmark Channel USA
is dropping the ball here. Vomit Level- 5/10 there is no one black, brown or anyone with a slight tan in this movie.
#ChristmasUnderTheStars- John Tucker is an investment banker who got fired and needed something to do so he worked at a Christmas tree lot. He meets a pretty, single, foster to adopt mom with great eyelashes and also bonds with her kid. He gets hired at a socially conscious firm and solves the woman’s “medical-debt-from-her dead-dad” problem and they have a merry Christmas. He also saves the tree lot from the big, bad, real estate developers. The end.
Enjoyment Level- 5/10 I feel like Hallmark is just making up problems now. I have no strong emotions, not even to feel sorry for the old man who owns the tree business after he hurt himself. It’s basically like plain potato chips to me. I don’t hate it; I don’t love it. I already forgot about it.
Vomit Level- 6/10 kudos to the pretty, single mom for asking John Tucker out. I obviously expect the man to fix all the problem so nothing to see here... moving on. John Tucker does not take his shirt off.
#ABoyfriendForChristmas- woman running foster non-profit hates Christmas because Santa did not give her a boyfriend she asked for as a pre-teen that already knew that her self-worth is attached to any guy that would have her.
Enjoyment Level- 7/10 this has all the stereotype of a classic Hallmark movie. Desperate career woman- check. Pretend boyfriend turned real-check. Some poor white kids- check. A half black, best friend- check. A magical Santa- check.
Vomit Level- 7/10 now we’re talking! This is an older movie before Hallmark and Lifetime made everything a bit PC.
#RadioChristmas- Rudy Huxtable is radio DJ for a digital station that’s plays Christmas songs all year round who had to go to Bethlehem, PA from Philly to broadcast her show. She then meets a divorced, single father who is also a lawyer, do gooder, and has face and body Gonzalez (that’s a
Corey
, Trevor
amd Katrina
original term for caliente). This guy donated millions to the town in secret to keep Christmas festivities going and other recreational stuff. Enjoyment Level- 9/10 I’m loving it. Ok I feel like this is the best one so far. Old people love, secret donor, Rudy Huxtable and her mink lashes, you can tell they are actually filming in the cold, and the first leading guy that’s like a yowza to me. He is not more handsome than
Sean
though. Ohhhhh and the big, city Philly and Bethlehem, PA holds a special place in my heart as I have also lived my own Christmas movie when I lived in Philly, and I got sent to Allentown during the holidays living in the only non-chain hotel that was ran by people who have also become my Christmas family, etc. Vomit Level- 2/10 Rudy fell in love and I’m not gagging over her crying over a guy cause he cute.
#AGiftWrappedChristmas- a quirky, blonde girl personal shopper becomes taken by her super, staunch probably, Republican, workaholic exec client who... SURPRISE! Is a widower with a cute kid who gets attached to the personal shopper. Some conflict happens because the exec has a girlfriend (wears business suits and pulls her brunette hair back and wears lots of eyeliner) who somehow has an issue that quirky personal shopper and her boyfriend are hitting it off. Everybody knows cheating is ok during Christmas especially if your girlfriend doesn’t like kids and is too career-driven.
Enjoyment Level- 7/10 quirky girl is somewhat annoyingly likable and Lucy, her sister used to be on 7th heaven. Also there is zero chemistry between the two leads so it’s fun to see them try. Side note, HD is rough on these actors’ skin.
Vomit Level- 8/10 this was in 2015 so clearly they’re not even trying to hide their commitment to an all-white cast, but kudos to them for recognizing that women can have jobs, but naturally it should be cute and limited to shopping or baking or maybe nursing.
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